Today was a good day. It had its bad moments but it was a generally good day until now. It's still a good day but it is veiled with sadness. I have been thinking about my friend Kyle for a bit and I re-realized that I really miss him and that I didn't know what he all was. To me he was a brother because we had known each other since birth pretty much but other than the length of time we have spent together I really did not know him all that much. I knew his general personality but other than that I really did not know him. That single fact saddens me greatly. All the amazing things I have heard about him since his death have made me realize that I missed out on getting to know an amazing person. I wished I had talked to him more. Gotten to know him on a deeper level. I know it's my fault that we were not close. I tended to push him away. I regret that now. It pains me to think about all the times I missed out because of it. Not even just dealing with Kyle. I tend to push people away. I don't know why I do it but it happens. I used to be so happy and friendly and just plain old fun, but now I almost feel like I give off a superior vibe, like I think I am better than everyone else. Which I know I am not. No one is perfect and I am defiantly not perfect in any means. I think I might be looking to the future to much. I need to enjoy the now. Get to know the amazing people around me. Trust people until proven wrong, give the benefit of the doubt. Love until hurt. Nothing lasts forever. Not happiness not sadness. Nothing. I need to open up and be more accepting and less judgmental. That is going to my task for the next month. I am going to try to make some new friends, be true to my old friends, pay more attention to them, less selfish and just happier plus less judgmental. To me that sounds like a lot to work on but I am sure with determination I can do it! Plus I have friends that will be by my side :) Without my friends and family I don't know where I would be. Probably not here to tell you the honest truth. They have helped me so much plus I really do hate to be lonely. I love each and every one of you :) I know I probably don't say it enough to some of you but it is true! No matter how much I may or may not talk to you, you are still important to me and my life. You each have shaped me in unique ways. I would not be the person I am today without you.
I got the chance to hang out and really talk to, two people I usually don't today. I really enjoyed both conversations. Although they were both just random and we really didn't discuss anything all that important, I still loved each one. It's the random moments of friendship that I love the most. If you always have deep discussions then there is no fun in the relationship, which is not fun but sometimes those friends are one of the deepest connections you may have to a friend. I really do love having a friend that no matter the topic, we can just talk and talk and talk. To be completely honest and open is a scary thing but wonderful if you let it. I have always believed in being open. It is just the way I am. I don't hide my emotions very well and I never have. What is the point in that? If they are your friend or family member they should want your honesty over you being fake and pretending nothing is wrong. Yes the truth hurts sometimes but lies hurt worse. They always end up with the truth anyways and that truth hurts more than if you just told them in the first place. At least you cared enough about them to tell them straight up instead of cowering because you think they will hate you. If they are truly your friend they may be hurt but they should forgive you in the end. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. You don't expect them to be perfect do you? If you do be prepared to be let down because life isn't about perfectness. It is about enjoying even the dark moments. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I really think people should every once in a while stop and take inventory over their thoughts and actions. We should all take the time to realize how we act and who we trust are important and to make sure we learn from our mistakes. There is a point where you stop to think to often though. You have to live in the moment but don't forget the things the past taught you. Life is pretty complicated yet so simple. You arrive, you live, you die. That's life. Pretty simple when it is put like that, but being in the middle of it you don't see it that way. Well at least I usually don't see it like that. I kind of just realized that right now. Huh, I learn something new everyday.
I wish that I could live more in the moment. That is one thing I should work on. I should love deeply, laugh often and enjoy the little time I have. I am getting better at making myself not be a grouch. It is hard sometimes though. I just want to be a grouch and thats it. But others I just think about all the amazing things about my life and I realize I really don't have it all that bad. There are people that are worse off than me and yet they aren't complaining or moping around so why should I? What gives me the right to complain when I have great friends, a good house, a great family, I get to go to school, and I have an amazing support system? Yes we all need to be grouchy and moody sometimes but too much and you stop living in the moment. You think about past mistakes and even predict future fails. You have to have faith and confidence in yourself. If you don't have confidence in your abilities why should someone else? If you can't believe that you can do anything you set your mind to why should anyone else? You have to believe. Not all the time, because that's what friends and family and loved ones are for, but most of the time.
I know a few girls that wonder why guys don't talk to them or whatever. I tell them you just have to be yourself and be confident. You are amazing the way you are and if they don't notice that then not only are the blind but it's their lose, not yours. You need an amazing guy who wants to buy you flowers and hold open the door for you. One that will just sit and watch the sunset with you. One where you could sit in perfect silence and yet feel comfortable and connected. Yes, it may be hard to find Mr.Right but he will come along when you are ready for him. You have your whole life ahead of you, why do you want to settle down so early? You can go to college, get an amazing job, travel or do what ever you want. Mr.Right will come along most likely when you least expect it.
Sometimes I am amazed at my advice to other people. I really don't know where most of this stuff comes from. I should follow my own advice sometimes. :)
In conclusion, today has been an eye opener in many different ways. :)
ASHLEY
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