Oh time machine how I wish you were mine!

Well I was looking back on photos today and I realized that I have messed up a lot of friendships in the past! Looking back now I see what I was missing and I wish that I could go back and change a few things.

But since I do not possess a time machine I will just have to change my future instead.

I need to just live in the moment and learn not to say whatever is on my mind. I need to just relax and let myself enjoy everything and everyone around me. I also need to stop getting into peoples business! I just like to be the center of things and I also think that I am getting tired of hanging out with certain people so I make new friends meaning that I lose the friends I used to have and I just keep doing that! I want to stop this behavior! I need to be more open and welcoming to the friends I already have! I need to focus more on them than on me!

Over the next few weeks I have a lot of work cut out for myself! Here is what I plan to work on:
- Me thinking that I have to be smaller
- Actually exercising to make me feel better about myself and to give me more energy
- Listening to my friends
- Hang out with them more (do things that they want to do; play x-box, watch movies, watch bull riding, make food, etc.)
- Learning the difference between what I want and what I think I need
- More studying! I felt slightly worried about my exams this semester
- Get a job (this means tweak my resume, go hand out said resumes, and wait)
- Start my amazing gift for my BIFFL! :)
- Bond with my loving roommate who has unfortunately had to deal with my stupid moods lately
- Get New Zealand figured out
- If the above thing doesn't work out, figure out what to do after college
- Look deep within myself to find out what I truly want to do in life
and last but not least
- Get more sleep while still accomplishing all of the above tasks
- Oh and yeah have fun ;)

I love college! I love college! I love college! If I keep repeating it, it may come true. Don't get me wrong I do love college and it is because of college I realized I had gone so wrong in my past, but I just wish that I could still be that little girl whose biggest worry was if mom would let me play outside as much as I wanted or if I could have a piece of candy if I was well behaved.

I don't want so many responsibilities and things that I have to make sure happen. I love the freedom but with freedom comes those damn responsibilities! I guess that is the price of growing up!

ASHLEY

"I am beautiful the way I am!"

Today has been one of those days where I pick something that bugs me about society and I just stew on it all day. By around this time at night I am either ready to cry or just so angry. Usually these things that I pick are things that I don't like about myself or one of my many insecurities.

Today I picked our 'need' to be skinny or for guys in shape.

I, if you do not know me, am of a larger breed. I am not fat, I am not skinny, I am also not in the middle. I do not look my weight BUT I feel my weight. By that I mean that even though most people do not think I weigh as much as I do I feel like I weigh a ton! I feel overweight and fat, although I know that I am neither.

This has been an issue for me since day one. I used to get teased all the time about being fat or bigger when I was younger. I would deal with my pain by making the jokes first so that I was the one bringing myself down and not someone else. I thought at the time that, that was the only way to deal with it and that it was also the best way to deal with it. When I look back at it now I realize that I could have done other things. Such as, disagree with them, hit them, or just walked away. In making the jokes first I was saying that it was okay to make fun of my size and it was not!

As kids we don't really notice how much our words will effect someones life. Some moments have stuck with me. I know that I am not that old and therefore the words have not stuck that long but what I do now, at this age, will affect the rest of my life.

I want to show you a few pictures to make my words sink in, although I know that most of you have gone through something similar when you were younger, even though it may not be about your weight, and you understand what I am talking about.

I wish that I could make everyone understand, even myself, that being skinny is really not that important.

In life I want to find that one guy that is willing to look beyond my appearance and just love me, for me. Of course, I want to be called beautiful and gorgeous and all those things but I want to be told that he loves how my hair never stays in place, or how he thinks my beauty mark is cute, or that he loves the way I look at him when I am angry. I want him to love not just me, but everything about me. I want him to pay attention to the little things.

I have a rather outgoing personality and most people think that I am so confident and worry free when it comes to things like this. I try to be, honestly I try so hard, but when I sit here by myself and really think about it I know that I want to be considered skinny by the world. I want to be noticed when I walk into a room. I want guys to want me. Not just for my personality but for my looks as well.

But what I want more than all that is to be happy with who I am and what I look like. I don't want to walk into a room and worry what people think about me. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to have to be always worried that someone might find me out. That someone might notice that I am covering up my insecurities by talking too much, laughing loud, and being crazy.

America's Next Top Model did an amazing photo shoot in cycle 15. They got all the girls to pick one word that they were teased about throughout their life and to turn that word into something good. This task was hard for a lot of them. Each and every one of them had been bugged about something and each of them were hurt because of it. Here are some pictures from that shoot.

I wish that I could make the world understand that what is inside matters so much more than what is on the outside. If people put half of the effort into their personalities rather than their looks the world would be a much better place.

I will admit I am one of those girls who cares about what they look like but I don't think I am that, that bad with it. I do care but I also won't let that stand in my way of doing something.

Take this for an example. I love swimming, but I do not like the way I look in a bikini, nor am I comfortable in one. I add long board shorts and vola I feel one hundred times better with the shorts plus it lets me go play rugby and football and tackle the boys down. I try to buy clothes that fit my body and make me feel comfortable. If you are not comfortable in your clothes that will show.

I hope that this post will have made someone, at least one person think about how they treat themselves and others. I know I sort of rambled on but this subject is very close to my heart and I think that something needs to change. I am going to start by eating well, getting exercise and being healthy. I will look myself in the mirror every morning and say "I am beautiful the way I am and no one can tell me any different".

Emotions

Happy
Sad
Frustrated
Upset
Broken
Pumped
Excited
Just don't care anymore
Lonely
Loved

Today started off early and so I felt like this
<======= :(

Then since I had a good conversation with my mother my mood improved....slightly haha

Then we set up the tree all by ourselves so I was proud and happy. Next thing we tackled was decorating some boxes. I started off happy....











And ended up like this....

And then this

And then content because we figured out how to solve our issues haha

Then I got just super pumped because I got to make my own lunch in about three months! :) haha

Movie time came around and I was pretty happy again :) :)

Time to get ready to go to the Christmas party came around and the fact that I could shower in my own shower just made me happy inside and out! :)

And then I got tired....still slightly happy but quiet tired








Hahaha so that was my day explained with pictures hahahaha I just wanted to try something new haha

ASHLEY

Accomplishments

Today in class I was asked to write a letter about what I have accomplished this semester. I had to think long and hard about this before I even came up with one thing. Thinking about my accomplishments made me realize that I have not been living to my full potential. I could do WAY better at my school work, I could get to know a lot more people, I could just randomly go have a snowball fight for no reason. I need to live more in the moment and to stop planning every single little thing. I need to just go out there and just have a blast with the people I know and the people that I will meet!

Life is too short to regret not going and doing something. I need to just let loose! ;) haha I know that I have changed since I have arrived at college, but I don't notice it that much till I talk to people from back home. My mother came to visit me a while ago and she asked me what I had done with her little Ashley haha I said I am still her but just an upgraded version. :) An Ashley 2.0 :)

I have to admit that now that I am away from home and on my own I feel so much more independent! I like the freedom it allows me. It has also made me think about where I want to spend the rest of my life. If I can stand being a few hours away from my parents or if I would have to be closer to them. I think that I could stand being a few hours away. Don't get me wrong, I love my family with all my heart, but I also love the freedom and independence that being away gives me. I like to know that I can figure out something on my own without having to ask my parents to help me. Of course there is nothing wrong with getting their help. I just like to have the chance to figure things out on my own.